The Mysterious Door
by kiwifluffy
Summary: Clara Oswald went for a swim in the TARDIS swimming pool and then found herself wandering around empty corridors for an hour as the TARDIS laughed at her. When she does finally find a door, it's been scribbled over by everyone who's been in the TARDIS for any length of time. The Doctor, being the Doctor, replied to every single message. R&R!
1. The Mysterious Door

Clara Oswald shivered as she hurried down the TARDIS corridor. She didn't know why the ship didn't like her, but after going for a swim in the Olympic-sized swimming pool, the ship had forced her into the corridor by way of a series of hologram leopards and closed the door behind her with something that sounded suspiciously like laughter.

For the past hour, she had been wandering in circles as the ship progressively increased the cooling systems. She was almost ready to give up when she saw something odd in the corridor ahead.  
Most of the TARDIS looked the same, cold blue steel corridors that twisted randomly, always leading either a) nowhere or b) to the same place every time. There was a gap in the steel, filled with a plain white door that looked as out of place in the machine as she did. As Clara approached, she realised that it was covered in writing-some of it ancient, some as if it had been done yesterday. If you could say there was such a thing as yesterday in the TARDIS.

Clara took a step back and began to read.


	2. What's Nitro-9?

The most obvious message on the wall was written at almost exactly head height. Someone-presumably the Doctor- had found a bright red crayon and written in huge, shaky letters-

_ACE-  
THIS DOOR MUST NOT BE OPENED USING NITRO-9. OR A BASEBALL BAT. UNDERSTOOD?_

This was followed by someone else's handwriting-

_Aaw, Professor... I haven't even made any recently!  
_Then what were you doing in the laboratory yesterday?  
_um... Cooking.  
_Good girl. Blow up that door instead.

Clara decided that it was best not to ask where 'that door' was.


	3. Adric

-2/3(-2/3x^3+2x-1/3x+1)^3+4(-2/3x^3+2x-1/3x+1)^2-19/3(-2/3x^3+2x-1/3x+1)+3  
_Thank you Adric, I really needed a formula for a composite function written on my door.  
_:-)

This one was written just below her shoulders. She vaguely remembered doing composite functions at school. She did not remember ever doing something that long.  
Another formula was written almost at ground level.

sqrt(sqrt(k+x)x7/420 +K/ 66+x -17h=0  
_I think you meant 68+x, not 66.  
_I was wondering if you would notice that.


	4. Is that Doctor Song?

_(The symbols here were written in Old High Gallifreyan and are therefore untranslatable.) 10-0-11-00 0-2_  
RIVER! This is the LAST time I'm going to catch you if you hurl yourself out of an airlock.  
_So I do it again, do I?  
_(The symbols here were also written in Old High Gallifreyan, but unlike the previous set that simply read 'Hello Sweetie', these ones said something so rude they were actually untranslatable. This may be because they referenced no less than four obscure figures from Gallifreyan history, all of whom had been removed from there relevant time streams and either killed or imprisoned. It may also be because FanFiction does not have an MA15+ rating or because the writer is lazy and doesn't have a dirty enough mind to think of something to write.)

Clara decided it was best that she couldn't understand whatever had been said in the last bit.


	5. Oi, Space Man!

Oi! Space Man! Get yourself a new door! This one's full.  
_Donna, I like this door. Go find another door yourself if you're so desperate for one.  
_Right, I think I will. Where does the TARDIS keep spare doors?  
_...I don't think the TARDIS has a room of spare doors.  
_Wanna bet, Time Boy?  
_This is my TARDIS. I know that it does not have a room of spare doors._

__Yes it does. Walk down the corridor and Turn Left.  
_What? Whaat? Whaaaaaat?_

Clara suddenly had the urge to find Donna and either give her a round of applause for managing that, or hitting her because the TARDIS would listen to her and not Clara.


	6. Amy and Rory fight the grammar monster

**AmY wAZ hERe  
AMy aND RoRY WaZ hErE**  
_Your grammar and spelling is terrible. It should be 'Amy was here' and 'Amy and Rory WERE here'.  
_**You actually care about grammatical errors written on your door?  
**_Yes. Doesn't everyone?_  
**We should have expected this, Amy.  
Yeah.  
**_You mean_ _Yes._  
**Wait, I have an idea.  
BOWTIES ARE COOL  
**_Yeah! Bowties are cool! You finally understand! LOL! ASAP! YOLO! Oh wait, I mean YOLTT.  
_**You mean 'Yes, bowties are cool.' and what does YOLTT mean? And why did you put ASAP in there?  
**_You Only Live Thirteen Times._  
**And ASAP?  
**_Oh... I get it now. You made me write 'yeah' on my_ door.  
**Took you long enough.**

Clara decided that she had to bring that up in a conversation at some stage.

* * *

**AN:** Sorry about the title. I got bored.


	7. Target practise, drinks and doors

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
_Leela, I would prefer if you didn't use my door as target practice for your crossbow. There is an excellent room full of targets down the corridor. Turn left._

_*** * * ? * * ***_

_**Um, Doctor, you do realise that room is full of doors? Oh, and nice shooting, Leela. Want a drink?**__  
Thank you, Jack. You do realise that Leela travelled with me... six regenerations ago?  
__**Where's Leela now? Oh. How did you know it was me?  
**__You are the only person I know who would see evidence that someone could kill you in two seconds flat and take that as a cue to flirt with them._

_*** * * :-) * * ***_

_**I know that someone shot that ages ago, but she seems to have been able to predict where this conversation was going.**_

Clara laughed at that. It was quite clear that Donna had simply read this message and checked to see if the room full of doors was still there.


	8. Checkmate

Checkmate, Master  
_What?  
_Checkmate predicted for 2 moves, master  
_K9, are you saying that no matter what I do, you will have me in checkmate in 2 moves?  
_Affirmative.

_Oh. You do.  
_Affirmative  
_Could you stop using your laser to carve words into my door?  
_Affirmative  
_You could, but you aren't going to stop, are you?  
_Affirmative.

* * *

**AN: **Please review! And if you have any ideas for conversations via the door that you want me to do, send them in in a review and I'll do my best.


	9. You, from the future

_We need to get a move on, Doctor, the Key to Time won't assemble itself.  
_But I'm out of Jelly Babies! I can't do anything if I'm out of Jelly Babies!  
_Your jelly babies can wait, the fate of the universe rests on us.  
__**Was I really that**_**_ pompous?_****  
**_Who are you?  
__**You. From the**_**_ future._****  
**Let's go, Romana! We're stopping off on Earth to collect some jelly babies. And then we're going to trace the fourth segment... Romana?  
_**I seem to remember I was in the console room.  
**__I was. But now I'm going to the cloister bell.  
_Oh dear. Two of you. You're breaching the first law of time doing this!  
**_Actually, I went back and wrote all these lines in because I remember seeing them. I have not met my past self. Unlike you._****  
**Yes, but the High council ordered me to. You're just playing a joke on me, which is very unlike you, Romana.

**Ooh! I'd forgotten about this! It was like we were in a... big ball of... wibbly wobbly, timey-wimey... stuff. Oh dear. That sentence got away from me.  
**Who are you?  
**You. From the future.**

* * *

**AN:** Sorry if that made no sense. Lost In A Daze suggested that I do one with 4 and both Romanas, but I couldn't resist adding ten in there too. If anyone has any ideas, I'm more than happy to try them.


	10. Property of UNIT

**THIS IS THE PROPERTY OF UNIT  
**_No it isn't! The TARDIS belongs to me!  
_**Sorry Doctor, I got carried away stamping things.  
**_Jo? Why are you stamping 'This is the property of UNIT' on things?  
_**Sergeant Benton told me to.  
**_Are you sure he wasn't playing a joke on you?  
_Doctor? What's UNIT?  
_Why, Sarah, it's a top secret organisation. Why?  
_**You should cover this up._  
_**_Yes, Martha, I probably should._


	11. Who wrote that?

**_BAD WOLF  
_**Who wrote that?  
**_BAD WOLF  
_**No, seriously, who wrote that? Why am I seeing those words everywhere?  
**_VOTE SAXON  
_**Stop it now. Please.  
**_SILENCE WILL FALL  
_**Seriously! Who is writing these?  
**_THE UNIVERSE IS CRACKED. THE PANDORICA WILL OPEN. SILENCE WILL FALL.  
_**STOP IT! Not funny anymore. Really not funny.  
**_BAD WOLF  
_**I'm going to stop replying now.  
**_I doubt that, my thief.  
_**Ah. I didn't know TARDISes could write on their own doors.

This made Clara smile. At least she wasn't the only one that found herself the target of the TARDIS' games.


	12. The Doctor Dances, badly

_Note to self- the Doctor is a terrible dancer._

Rose! No I'm not!  
_**Seriously, you could do with a bit of practice.  
**_Oh, not you too Jack. At least I'm not a former time agent looking for other time agents to con.  
_That was rude. And why are we having this conversation across a door?  
__**Everyone else seems to be doing so… Wow, Doctor, you have been busy.  
**_Shut up, Jack. Please.  
_**(this sentence has been removed so that this story is suitable for younger audiences.)  
**__That was REALLY rude.  
_No kidding. And Jack?  
_**Yeah?  
**_Don't mention poodles. Ever. Again.

* * *

**AN**: Hello again. There will be more of Rose, but I'm not sure what she should say yet.  
About the poodle... Torchwood thing. If you have seen it, please don't send me a hundred reviews saying that it wasn't Jack who said that. Actually, do send me a hundred reviews because it would make this story look really popular.  
If you didn't get it, be glad.  
R&R! And I will try and write up any ideas people send me. Thanks to whoever the Guest was that suggested Rose, and Lost in a Daze for her emails and recommendations earlier today. I'm going to stop typing now, or else this note is going to be longer than the chapter.


	13. You're still writing on my door

_Grandfather-  
Miss Wright was teaching us about the Roman Empire recently. May we go?  
_Susan, my dear, the Roman Empire lasted for centuries. When exactly would you like to go?  
_I don't know... Emperor Titus sounded interesting.  
_Then we will visit tomorrow.  
I would prefer if you would stop writing on my door.  
_Sorry, Grandfather.  
_You're still writing on my door.

Clara could remember the Doctor mentioning that he had gone to Akhaten with his granddaughter once. She supposed that Susan must be her. Given the age of the writing, it had been a _very_ long time ago.  
She wondered what had happened to Miss Wright.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to ASummer for suggesting this one. R&R, send in any ideas you have and I'll do my best to get them done.


	14. Where's book 7?

_Doctor, when we met Shakespeare you mentioned the last Harry Potter book. Where is it?  
_Um... Did you look in the library?  
_Yes. I found the first six.  
_Did you look in the other library?  
_What other library?  
_You didn't know? The TARDIS has three libraries. One for fiction, one had complex science-y stuff and the third one is all in Gallifreyan. There used to be a fourth, with the TARDIS manual, but I may or may not have thrown it into a supernova.  
_You threw the TARDIS manual into a supernova?  
_Maybe...  
_Oh yeah- the library I found had a mix of fiction, non-fiction and books written in weird circles.  
_Yes. Just because there are separate libraries for fiction, non-fiction and Gallifreyan does not mean that all the books are actually in the correct library.  
_So if I want to read the last Harry Potter book, I need to search through three libraries.  
_Yes... Where's your optimism?  
_I could just ask you to go and buy another copy.  
_But where's the fun in that?  
_I found it! What was it doing under the purple jacket in the console room?  
_Rose's jacket? She must have been reading it...

Martha?  
_Why did everyone have to die?  
_I did warn you.

* * *

**AN: **ASummer also asked for more with Martha and Donna. thanks to Lost in a Daze for her recommendation of a discussion about what book to read that resulted in this. I will seriously try to write up any idea people send me.


	15. What's for dinner?

_Doctor, what's for dinner?  
_What do you want? There's a bar on Apalapucia that serves the best banana smoothies in the universe. Or we could go pick up some fish fingers and custard from 21st Century Earth :-)  
_And I should have expected that. Why don't we go to France in the 1700s, their food would have been really nice.  
_That would be... awkward. Especially if River comes.  
_Do I want to know?  
_Reinette Poisson had a few troubles with clockwork droids. I got rid of them.  
_**And a few other troubles, I would think.**_**  
**RIVER! That was before I regenerated. Seriously. People these days...  
_Reinette_ _Poisson?_  
_**Better known as Madame de**__**Pompadour.**__  
...Let's go for hamburgers.  
_Good idea. I know this great place in New York.  
_Let's just GO._

Clara smiled at this. She had asked the Doctor for dinner before and had been given a bunch of bananas. Literally.


	16. Not the only one

_I don't believe this. I've been walking around the same corridor for the last hour, and the only things I've found is this door and a room full of spare doors down the corridor. Seriously! Spare doors!_

There was a faint whirring sound from the wall. Clara knelt down and cautiously lifted up the covering to a round hole that had appeared next to the door. Inside sat a plain black pen.

_So I'm not the only one_. Clara hesitated before writing more. she didn't even know who had written the previous message, how long ago it was written or even if the writer was still alive.

_I went swimming and the TARDIS has been sending me in circles ever since. Does anyone know a way out? _She guessed that since she hadn't seen anyone else around, and the Doctor hadn't mentioned anyone having gotten lost in the TARDIS that there had to be somewhere she could go.

Only then did she realise that the writing to the right of the message was a response.

**Who are you?**  
_Doctor? it's Charley. how can I get out?  
_**Ah. I must not have met you yet. Not officially, anyway.  
**_Well, that was helpful._

* * *

**AN:** If you don't know, Charley Pollard travelled with the eighth Doctor and met the sixth Doctor later. Congratulations to Big Finish for managing to make that work.

Thanks again to Lost in a Daze for suggesting something similar to this. R&R!


	17. Carrot juice

Mel-

There's this great restaurant on Iceworld that serves the best milkshakes. We could go for dinner.  
_Actually, I just made some carrot juice. Come down to the kitchens.  
_...I don't like carrot juice.  
_You should drink it anyway, it's healthy.  
_**I didn't even start liking carrot juice until after you left.  
**Oh dear. Two of me. Isn't this against the rules?  
**Not really. Just watch out for any cracks appearing in the TARDIS.  
**That doesn't sound good…  
_  
AAAAH! Doctor! There's a…thing… in the console room! Help me!  
_You can stop screaming now. Please. It's only the future me destroying all of space and time for a practical joke.

And I didn't even respond to that.


	18. Impossible things just happen

_How interesting. It would appear that this door, and the writing on it, is a fixed point in time.  
_Yes, it's clever, isn't it? It means that I can come at any time I like and respond to a question that hasn't even been asked yet.  
_It also means that you can talk to your past and future selves without disrupting time.  
_Yes, it does. And I was working on a system so that you can only see something that you've already written, or someone else wants you to see. Would you like to look at it?  
_Unfortunately, that is impossible. Unless the TARDIS herself were to establish such a system, it could not be done.  
_Oh, Romana, that's brilliant! The TARDIS can make it work!

_But that's impossible! The TARDIS shouldn't work like that!  
_Impossible things just happen.  
Ooh, I like that. 'Impossible things just happen.' I think I'll write that down.  
_You just did. On a door that is a fixed point in time where the only people who can see this message are the ones who the TARDIS wants to see it.  
_I meant, on a piece of paper. Where I can access it anytime.  
_That defeats the point of what the TARDIS just did to this door.  
_Yes, I suppose it does. Oh well.

* * *

**AN: **I have no idea what happened there. Sorry. I suppose this might mean that a bunch of other chapters are now impossible, including the one I posted yesterday... Let's just say that the TARDIS likes playing jokes on people. Please send in any ideas you have!


	19. I'm still in my nightie!

_Doctor? It's my wedding night, and I'm in my nightie.  
_It's not your wedding night, it's 1284 years in the future. And there's a huge wardrobe down the corridor.  
_I've been here for ages, and I'm still in my nightie!  
_There's a wardrobe down the corridor. Turn left.  
_The room down that corridor is full of spare doors, and I'm still in my nightie!  
_Try the other left.  
_There's a wall there.  
_How long have you been in your nightie?  
_1284 years.  
_No.…This is a time machine, Pond! We may be 1284 years in the future, but it did not take us 1284 years to get here.  
_How long did it take us then?  
_In Earth time?  
_How long, in Earth time, have I been in my nightie?  
_...3 days, 2 hours and 15 minutes. And 39 seconds.  
_Find me a change of clothes. Now._

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to TheChristmasSerialMurders (nice name, by the way, don't ever change it) for suggesting this. Send in any ideas you have! R&R!


	20. Where's my hat?

Where did my hat go?  
_Your hat?_  
Yes. Do you remember the Hatbox? I know you commented on it. Planet of the Hats!  
_Oh.…That hat. No, I haven't seen it_.  
Really? I know I put it down somewhere. And then I was wearing it when we visited Agatha Christie.  
_...Are you sure the vespiform didn't steal it?_  
What? The vespiform steals hats?  
_Not that I know of, but it might have. Look around the TARDIS, I'm sure you could find another one._  
But I liked that hat.  
_ I know you did. We can go buy another one._  
Oh thanks, space man.  
_...What did I do wrong?_  
You're supposed to help me look for it.  
_But it's not here!_  
I don't care. Help me look.  
_Well, this is a waste of time_.

* * *

**AN: **Sorry, I really don't know what happened there. This is what happens when a science competition and an hour and a half of kick sets in swim squad combine and I still try to post Fanfic. Actually, it might be a good idea to pretend that this chapter doesn't exist.


	21. Come to your Master

_If there's anyone in here, the Master is chasing me around this place and he's kind of holding a laser screwdriver that he's going to kill me with. Just thought you might like to know._  
Oh! The freak's been here! Hello! Running into the paradox machine… Original, I'll give you that. But you can't hide from me for long!  
_Yeah? It's already been 5 hours. Not doing such a good job, are you?_  
I control the entire world, there's no way you can escape. You might as well give up now, come to your Master!  
_You control the entire world yet Martha Jones has escaped you. She's managed it for 6 months._  
_And you're not my master, you're not anyone's master. _  
Ooh...Defiant, still? I like that, I really do. It means that when I catch you again, you'll provide me with entertainment for longer.  
_I think you mean if, not whe_

Clara didn't really want to know why that sentence wasn't ever finished.

* * *

**AN:** If you didn't realise, that was set in the year that never was. In my head, Jack escaped and ran to hide in the TARDIS. R&R!  
Send in any ideas you have.  
Sorry if that was a bit morbid, I was in a psychopathic mood today.


	22. Justified Megalomaniacs

_Why is it that every single megalomaniac I have ever met seems to think they can justify their actions? It's getting ridiculous. There is no way that you can justify enslaving thousands of so-called 'lesser species' or committing genocide and expect that anyone will believe you! I most certainly won't stand for it. _  
Yes. A list. We need a list. I'll start.  
Davros  
**_You stole mine! Oh well. Hitler._  
**Okay... The Celestial Toymaker.  
_Good one. The Kandyman_.  
**Max Capricorn**.  
_Madame Kovarian_  
**Thanks Amy... The Master would count.**  
Thanks for saving me from saying him. One rather obvious one we've missed- The Black Guardian.  
_**Oh yeah. Obvious. Helen A. Remember? The woman with the Happiness Patrol.**_  
_Rassilon._

Who said that?  
_**I suppose turning Borusa to living stone would count as trying to justify something.**_  
Yes, I suppose it would. But he's not the same, is he? Not quite. He didn't commit genocide, not that we know of. According to the legends, he stopped the games in the Death Zone, and while that may not be strictly true, they were cancelled.  
**You have no idea what he tried to do. You can't know. Not yet.**  
What do you mean? Rassilon's dead. We were in his tomb. He can't have 'done' anything.  
_Don't say that... I doubt I would say something that powerful without justifying it._  
Anything else?

I suppose we will just have to wait to find out, hmm?  
**Enjoy not knowing. It made things easier.**  
I guess we have no choice but to trust you. I only hope our trust is not misplaced.

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to Lost in a Daze for suggesting this. It was supposed to be 7 at the start. In my mind, the bold is 11. There are 2 doctors in italics only. Congratulations to anyone who can come up with a way for all of the different fonts to correspond to a Doctor that had met whoever they mentioned before.  
I might just mention- I don't know if it's possible. R&R!


	23. Sticky-up hair and fezzes

_Ok, everyone participating in the conversations on this door. Do you agree with me: Bow ties are not cool._  
AMY! Yes they are! How many ties do I have to tell you?  
_**Bow ties will never be cool. But I've got cool hair. Really cool hair.**_  
**Doctor, your hair… It's very modern, all sticky-uppy.**  
_**Wilf, my hair is cool. Very cool.**_  
Your hair is never going to be as cool as a bowtie, or a fez, or a stetson.  
_What is it about you and weird headgear?_  
It is not weird!  
_River shot the fez. And the stetson. My own daughter thinks they're weird._  
**_I like this River already. Shooting hats. Nice._**  
Oh, not you too! She's been brainwashed! Maybe you've all been brainwashed…  
_River was brainwashed to kill you. Nothing about hats._  
You never know...  
_**I'm leaving this conversation now…**_  
Yes, take your sticky-uppy hair and leave this to me.  
_**Oi! Not sticky-uppy! Who are you to judge?**_  
Oh dear. Now you sound like Donna.  
_Conversation ends here._  
But...  
_Conversation has ended. Bye._

Bow ties are still cooler than sticky-up hair.  
_**No they are not. And all of the others agree with me.**_  
Don't say all...  
_Conversation has ended. BYE._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Thechristmasserialmurders who suggested this a while ago. The sticky-uppy hair was taken from Wilf's comment in The End of Time Part One.

Send in any ideas you have. R&R!


	24. What happened first?

I don't believe this! My first trip in the TARDIS and I get a spaceship! Awesome!  
_Calm down, Mickey! I went to the end of the world. When the sun swallowed the Earth.  
_I found myself in a medieval castle with Sontarans._**  
**_**I stowed away on the TARDIS and went to a medieval planet.  
****The Judoon took me to the moon before I went on the TARDIS, but my first trip was to meet Shakespeare.  
****I found myself on a sandminer in the 23rd Century.  
**_The stomach of a space whale.  
_Venice, 1580. With vampires.  
**I ended up in the TARDIS as I was walking down the aisle to get married. And then I saw the Earth being created. And then I went to Pompeii on the day Vesuvius erupted.  
**_**I got done out! Cardiff, in the early 21st Century. Don't you like me, Doc?  
**_**Oh, shut up, Jack. It wasn't all that bad.  
**Okay.…Now that we've started this, let's continue. Who thinks they went somewhere awesome.

Clara smiled as she raised the pen again. Somewhere awesome.  
_I went to Akhaten to listen to the long song, and we rescued the Queen of years from a vampire._

And then she saw the writing directly underneath, faded with age, but most definitely there.

Right… Maybe getting a spaceship was not such an awesome thing after all. But we did have Clockwork Droids, if not vampires.  
_Now you're getting it._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks for all the reviews! BloodLily16 asked for more of Clara writing on the door, so expect more of that. R&R!


	25. No more

_No more._  
_This will probably be the last time I write here. It's been years-centuries, even-since I came here last, and as I have no intentions of surviving this, no one will ever get the chance to reply. I don't really want anyone to see this, either, so it's unlikely the TARDIS will let anyone else see this particular message.  
But just in case someone does-_  
_ What I am about to do, I do for the sake of peace and sanity. In the name of all those I have failed to save. I tried everything to avoid this-you really think I wanted the cruciform to fall, for the Nightmare Child to come into existence?_  
_No more. Arcadia has fallen. It will be the last victory the Daleks have over us._  
_It will be the last victory the Daleks have over anyone._  
_ -The Renegade._  
_I cannot call myself the Doctor, for this is not something that the Doctor would have done._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Ruby for suggesting this. I know it's a bit different to the others, but the War Doctor is hard to write for. R&R, please send in any ideas you have.


	26. Pancakes, with a side of explosives

_ACE! What have I told you about making Nitro-9 in the kitchens?_  
Sorry professor! I don't know why it exploded. It never has before!  
_You did use the same chemicals?_  
Yes. I'm not a complete idiot, you know!

_ There was a box full of things that look like deodorant cans. I don't suppose you've seen them?_  
Sitting on the kitchen table? Yeah… I ran out of cans for Nitro-9. What was in them?  
_Whipped cream._  
Ok.…Still no idea why they exploded.  
_Ace! You have to stop using anything you come across and expecting that it's going to blow up when you want it to. Remember Fenric's jar?_  
Sorry professor, but you tell me not to make any and then ask me to blow up walls with it! I need to have a more efficient supply.  
_That does not mean using anything you come across to make explosives._  
Ok, I'll stop, I promise… Now, can you tell me how I blew up the kitchen?  
_I seem to remember that you were experimenting with something that looked like a boiled sweet and was activated by saliva._  
So they're set off by whipped cream?  
_It would appear so. And now, thanks to you, we can't have pancakes because we seem to have misplaced the shipment of whipped cream I bought last time we were on Earth._  
Sorry professor. Have we got maple syrup?  
_I think so. Why? Do you need that to make your explosives too?_  
No. I just want pancakes.


	27. No! Not the perigosto stick!

_Does anyone know where I can find a set of bagpipes?  
_NO, RIVER! What do you want bagpipes for anyway?  
_Your son-in-law was playing the perigosto stick while I was trying to sleep. I need revenge.  
__**Your 'son-in-law', as you put it, is standing right here.  
**_Do I want to know what the perigosto stick is?  
_**It's an ancient Gallifreyan instrument. I used to play it quite well.  
**__Point- USED TO. Abilities change with regenerations. And if I can't find a set of bagpipes to serenade you with, then I'm going to find a theremin.  
__**I used to be good at that, too! I wonder where it went.  
**_Oh dear. Rory, I think we should find some earmuffs.  
**Yes, we should.  
**_**Your lack of trust in my musical abilities is disappointing.  
**__And completely accurate. Where's a theremin?  
__**NO! There's bagpipes down the corridor. Turn left.  
**__Spare doors. Again. You need to stop forgetting about that room._

_Hello, sweetie. Look what I found.  
__**NO! MERCY! PLEASE!  
**__Mary had a little lamb…  
__**NO! PLEASE!  
**__little lamb, little lamb…  
__**PLEASE! STOP THAT DREADFUL NOISE!  
**__Only if you promise never to touch a perigosto stick again.  
__**Yes! Anything to stop it!  
**_**Are we safe now?  
**We should be. But, Rory, don't throw out the earmuffs yet.  
**I'm not planning to.**

* * *

**AN: **A Perigosto stick is an ancient Gallifreyan device mentioned in The Green Death and Doctor Who and the Daemons. It's the focus of an ongoing joke amongst Doctor Who writers, who make elaborate mentions of perigosto sticks without saying what they're actually for.

I got this idea after reading 'Honey, Here Comes A Lullaby' by AmaranteReikaChan. You should go read it, it's hilarious.

Please send in any ideas you have. R&R!


	28. Welcome to UNIT

_Where am I? How have I not walked into a wall yet?_  
UNIT.  
_Yes, I work for UNIT. What does that have to do with anything?_  
UNIT.  
_Is this, like, normal, for you guys?_  
When the Doctor is around, yes.  
_But it's impossible! I'm writing these, and it's only after I've written them that I notice a reply. Where am I, anyway?_  
You're in the TARDIS. If you want to keep your job at UNIT, then you're going to have to get used to this. We deal with aliens. You aren't going to manage this job if you can't accept that certain things just exist.  
** At least you're with UNIT, not Torchwood. If this scares you, then you wouldn't survive a week under Yvonne Hartman. **  
_**Seriously. Stay with UNIT, or if you want to leave but keep working with extra-terrestrial stuff, go freelance. Not Torchwood.**_

_ I'm leaving UNIT now. All the Doctor ever really needed was someone to pass him test tubes and tell him how brilliant he was._  
_**Sounds familiar. I just had to stand there and be talked at.**_  
**You too, huh?**

* * *

**AN:** Ok, in my mind the italics was Liz Shaw, the normal text was originally the Brigadier but it could be anyone from UNIT, really. The bold is Jack Harkness and the bold and italics is Martha Jones.

Send in any ideas you have and I'll try to write them.  
R&R!


	29. I'm Lost

**Hello?**

Hello?

**Who is this? Please help me I am lost**

Theta Sigma shame on you

**Koschei?! Oh thank Rassillon**

I'm lost too moron

**Oh…**

You could have stolen a better TARDIS. One without monsters chasing me down the hall

**There are no monsters. Maybe the TARDIS just doesn't like you. Hey cool! Someone left some jelly babies here!**

_Those are mine give them back. Oh damn I tripped on my scarf!_

Who else is here?

_Err…..no one_

**Oh damn, if it was someone else they could help us**

Theta?

**Yes Koschei?**

You are a moron

**Yeah I love you too Kos**

I could turn into your enemy one day

**He he he. As if**

He he. We will never be mortal arch enemies

**FRIENDS FOREVER**

Now gimme some of those jelly babies

I feel almost bad about that

**Me too Master**

We were such good friends Doc

**I know. I miss it**

Too bad you had no ambition. I had to leave you behind. Pathetic.

**And yet you wonder why people aren't willing enslave themselves to you.  
**

* * *

**AN:** My friend Captain SacredSaxonPhobia wrote this one, as well as one that I will post tomorrow.  
Send in any ideas you have. R&R!


	30. What are they talking about?

**AN:** Ok, this one's also written by my friend Captain SacredSaxonPhobia. The format's a bit different because it got confusing without the name of who's writing in front of it. R&R!

* * *

Master - Wow Doctor, you sure let a lot a rats graffiti your doors

_Martha - Who are you?_

**Amy - That is a good question… so, who?**

_Sarah Jane - Seriously, who are you_

_**Rose - Why have you not answered the others whoever you are?**_

**Doctor - EVERYONE STOP WRITING YOU ARE IN DANGER**

Master - Oh, Doctor you ruin my fun

_Martha - Doctor, who is he?_

**Doctor - I said stop writing everyone**

**Amy - No, we'll hang around and listen**

_Sarah Jane - Ditto_

Master - Told you humans are a waste of space

**Doctor - Don't you dare insult humans Master, they are **

_Martha - MASTER! I am so going to kill you_

**Doctor - Calm down Martha, you can't get him he is in a different time stream and under my protection**

Master - Am not!

**Doctor - Are to!**

**Amy - Would it be strange of me to ask who this guy is?**

You didn't tell someone about me? I am shocked, offended, not under protection, hurt, saddened, and a lot of other things. I must soothe myself

**WHY DID YOU BLOW UP THAT PLANET I MEAN WHY THERE WERE 50 BILLION PEOPLE ON IT MASTER YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE…**

**Anyone going to tell me who he is?**

_Don't ask Amy, just know he is the most evil _

YOU CAN'T STOP ME BLOWING UP PLANETS DOCTOR

_Most despicable_

**MASTER STOP SERIOUSLY I AM GETTING REALLY ANGRY NOW**

_Animalistic_

OH WOOPS HERE GOES ANOTHER ONE

_Manipulative thing I have ever had the misfortune of laying eyes on_

You forgot the part about me being the most beautiful genius ever to have existed

**MASTER! What did Raxacoricafallapotorius ever do to you?**

_I'm leaving_

**Good idea me too**

_Ditto_

Uh, Koschei there were – are some people talking – writing

**I know Theta. I can see – read them.**

Koschei…

**Yes Theta?**

I'm lost

**You're useless. You realise that. It was your idea to steal a TARDIS, and now you're lost**

I don't get what they were talking/writing about

**I don't like it either Theta sigma**

I'm leaving. See you Kos

**This is really weird. It's like I can hear the ****echo of drums**** in SOMEONE ELSE'S head**

_They get to you, don't they?_


	31. Security Cameras

**AN: **I've had a couple of reviews saying that they like having people's names listed, so:  
normal text is Jack Harkness  
_Italics is the Tenth Doctor  
**Bold italics is the Eleventh Doctor**_

* * *

Hey! Cool! A room full of security cameras!  
_Jack.…What's so exciting about a room of security cameras?_  
Hey, Doc, you and Rose made quite a sweet couple.  
_NO leave that room alone!_  
I never knew you travelled with a Time Lady.  
_I didn't._  
Then you travelled with someone who just happened to be able to regenerate?  
_All right, I did. Not voluntarily._  
But you certainly seemed close to her. After she regenerated, at least.  
_Shut up._  
I'm not talking, I'm writing.  
_Stop it, Jack._  
Nyssa and Adric were quite a pair. Pity he died, really.  
You kidnapped your granddaughter's schoolteachers?! Wait, you had a granddaughter?  
_Stop now or I'll make the TARDIS lock you out._  
I doubt that... Leela of the Sevateem, lovely entrance.  
_Jack..._  
How many UNIT personnel have been in here?  
_Stop it._  
Oh, you are kidding me. Jo Grant. You two fit together perfectly.  
_I've locked the door now. _

WHAT? The TARDIS becomes a woman? And then she kissed you?  
_What? What? Whaaat?_  
_**Sorry about that. It hasn't happened yet.**_

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to BloodLily16 for suggesting this one. I'll try and post tomorrow, but I have a camp on Monday and Tuesday so I can't upload anything then, Send in any ideas you have. R&R!


	32. Rose and Ten

_Rose is italics  
__**10th Doctor is bold italics  
**_**11th Doctor is bold  
****Jack is bold underlined**

* * *

_Doctor?  
_**Rose!  
**_D__octor is that you?  
__**Wait Rose he's another me.. Future me or something..  
**_**Oh look it's mister fancy sticky uppy hair..  
**_**Really? Wow again..  
**__well it is..  
__**not you too!  
**_Clara grinned as she realised that she had finally found somewhere to ask her doctor how to get out, and raised the pen.

sorry to interrupt but how do I get out?  
**Oh Clara! You're writing on my door now too! Yay!  
**yes but I need to get out...  
**Down the corridor first door ya see  
**Clara didn't even bother to check what was in the first room to the left.

wow.. Donna was right... Spare doors…  
**I hate to interrupt but..  
**_OH GOD NO JACK!  
_**OH GOD NO JACK!  
**_**OH GOD NO JACK!  
**__**Yeah, I get the point.**_

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to the guest 'ROSE AND TEN' who sent this chapter in. R&R!


	33. Current Location: Unknown

_Adric is italics  
_K-9 is normal text  
_**4th Doctor is bold italics**_

* * *

_K9, can you tell me what coordinates we are at right now?  
_Calculating, Young Master  
_So? Where are we?  
_Insufficient Data, Young Master  
_What do you mean?  
_Current location: unknown  
_You mean we're lost.  
_Affirmative  
_**No we're not, we're on Lanzarote. Or Messaline. Or maybe it's Mars.  
**__So you have no idea where we are?  
__**It's not my fault all these planets look the same!  
**_Current location: Sol 3 in Mutter's Spiral  
_We're on Earth? Again?  
_Correct, Young Master  
_**Then why does this place look like so many other planets?  
**_Current location: Quarry in Wales  
_How odd. Really, what are the chances of a quarry looking like another planet?  
_Eighty-nine point three percent exactly, Master  
_**We might as well stay in a quarry then! We'd certainly spend less time getting captured.  
**_Warning, young Master! Sensors detect hostile life forms approaching!  
_Let's get out of here._

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to Elionu for giving me permission to use the idea from 'All the Planets Look Alike.' It's an awesome story. R&R!


	34. I MUST NOT KILL BIG ANIMALS

JAMIE MCCRIMMON IS CAPITALS  
_2nd Doctor is italics_

* * *

I MIST NOT KILL BIG ANIMALS JUST COS I DONT LYK THE LOOK OF THEM.  
_No.  
_I MUST NOT KILL BIG ANIMALS JUST COS I DONT LIK THE LOOK OF EM.  
_No.  
_I MUST NOT KIL BIG ANIMALS JUST CUS I DONT LIKE THE LOK OF THEM.  
_No.  
_I MUST NOT KILL BIG ANIMILS JUST COS I DONT LIKE THE LOOK OFF THEM.  
_No.  
_I MUST NOT CILL BIG ANIMALLS JUST COS I DONT LIKE THE LOOK OF THIM.  
_No.  
_I MUST NIT KILL BIG ANMILALS JUST CUS I DONT LYK THE LOOK OF THEM.  
_No.  
_I MUST NOT KIL BEG ANAMILS JUST COS I DONT LIKE THE LOOK OF THEM.  
_No.  
_I MEST NOT KILL BIG ANIMALS JEST COS I DONT LIKE THE LOOK OF THEM.  
_No._  
I MUST NOT KILL BIG ANIMALS JUST COS I DONT LIKE THE LOOK OF THEM.  
_Correct! Now go and right that 20 times._  
I MUST NOT KILL BIG ANIMALS JUST COS I DONT LIKE THE LOOK OF THEM.  
_Not here, Jamie. Go find some paper._

* * *

**AN:** Hi again, sorry about not posting recently... I hope that actually made some sense. The idea was better in my head. R&R!


	35. River and Eleven

_River Song is italics  
__**6th Doctor is bold italics  
**_11th Doctor is normal font

* * *

_Hello sweetie.  
__**Who is that?  
**_Hi, River. You're writing on the door too?  
_**What? Is that me? Someone is flirting with me?  
**__Everyone else has... It always amazes me how many people you've managed to convince to come in here.  
__**Well, I do try and warn them of the dangers, but so many insist to come.  
**_I do try to warn them what it's like, travelling on the TARDIS, but many are very insistent.  
_I suppose my mother would come under the 'very insistent' category.  
_Yes. You would, too. You aimed a gun at me!  
_**Who is this? WHY AM I NOT REPLYING?  
**__Spoilers.  
_What happened to ignoring me?  
_**You were planning to ignore me?  
**__Not really. It just kind of... Happened.  
_Well, I was planning it. You were very easy to annoy. Your choice of clothing made you hard to ignore, though.  
_You're one to speak on choice of clothing. Bow ties and fezzes and stetsons...  
_Oi! Bow ties are cool. And Fezzes. And Stetsons... Anyway, have you seen the technicolour coat?  
_He was the one that wore that? Quite a fetching item, come to think of it.  
__**Thank you! Finally someone who understands.  
**_You're kidding, right?  
_Yes.  
_Oh, thank heavens for that.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to MysteryGal5 for suggesting this. R&R!


	36. Clara and Ten

_Clara is italics_  
**_ 10th Doctor is bold italics_**

* * *

Clara had gotten tired of joining in conversations, and decided that it was time to start one.  
_Seriously, how can I get out of here? And don't say follow the corridor and turn left._  
_** If you go right to the end of the corridor and turn left, then go to the end of that room, there should be a door. Allons-y!** _  
_There are lots of doors there! The whole room is full of doors._  
**_ Then you should have no trouble getting out._**  
_SPARE DOORS. None of them are actually connected to anything. _  
**_What? Whaat? Whaaaat?_**  
_Surely you would have noticed the other messages about spare doors? You did reply to them._  
**_Oh Yes! Some kind of memory wipe to make me forget messages! That's brilliant!_**  
_It is? Really?_  
_**Well.…No.** _  
_At least I'm not the only one the TARDIS plays jokes on._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Sophia for suggesting this one. Send in any ideas you have. R&R!


	37. Hi, it's me, not dead

_Italics is Jenny (the Doctor's Daughter)  
_Normal text is the 10th Doctor  
_**Bold italics is River Song**_

* * *

_Hi dad!  
__Yes, It's really me. Not dead.  
__How come I'm alive? I don't know. I'm guessing the Source brought me back to life at the same time as Messaline. But they don't need me there, so here I am, out amongst the stars, having fun- planets to save, civilisations to rescue, creatures to defeat, and an awful lot of running to do! So much to see, so much to learn. Is that how you started?  
__I've no idea how to contact you, but I met this gun in this cantina, and he told me how they used to put a message in a bottle and throw it out to sea. And the best bit was somebody always found the bottle. So maybe, one day, you'll find this and come looking for me?  
I'll try to make you proud of me.  
__Love  
__Jenny_

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Do I know you?  
Hello?  
It's really very rude to ignore people.  
_**You do realise that message was glued to the door? I don't think this 'Jenny' was ever here. Someone just found the message and glued it here.  
**_But why would they do that if I don't know them?  
_**Maybe you meet her in the future.  
**_Maybe. I wonder who she might be.

What? Whaat? Whaaaaat? Jenny's dead! It's mean to play jokes on people, you know!  
Who even put that there?

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to the guest who suggested this one. I got Jenny's note from the book 'The Doctor: His Lives and Times'. If you sent in an idea, I will write it, but you guys sent in heaps so it might be a while before I get to yours. Not that I'm complaining- this is way better than sitting here with no ideas at all. R&R!


	38. EXTERMINATE!

DALEK IS CAPITALS  
_**Bold italics is 3rd Doctor  
**_Normal text is 5th Doctor  
_Italics is 8th Doctor  
_**Bold is 10th Doctor**

* * *

OOOOOO  
O  
OOOOOO  
O  
OOOOOO  
_**Is that a Dalek trying to carve 'exterminate' into the door?  
**__I think it might be.  
_Why is there a Dalek on the TARDIS?  
**Very good question.  
**_I don't think a Dalek has ever made it into the TARDIS.  
_Yes, one did. But it never got past the console room.

_**Then how can this be happening?  
**_EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

_Let's get out of here._

* * *

__**AN: **Thanks to MusicKeeper for suggesting this one.


	39. Does anyone actually know the way out?

_Clara is italics  
__**Jack is bold italics**_

* * *

Clara was getting angrier and angrier as time passed. At least the TARDIS had stopped increasing the cooling systems, but she'd still like to get out.

_Can anyone help me get out of here? Anyone?  
__**Why, I guess I could help you out of here… for a price.  
**__Okay, can anyone other than Jack help me get out of here?  
__Please? Anyone?  
__**Why doesn't anyone want my help?  
**__Maybe because you're very demanding.  
__**Aww, it's not that much to ask for…  
**__No. I'll stay here, if that's okay with you.  
__**No, insist-  
**__NO. I'll stay here, thank you. BYE.  
__Actually, you're also at a different point in the TARDIS' time stream. How would you get here anyway?  
__**I could just tell you to go to the end of the corridor and turn left.  
**__Ha ha ha. Does no one actually no the way out of here?_

_I'll take that as a no._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to In-My-Head-749 for suggesting this. If you've sent in an idea, I'm trying to get to it. I have a list. It keeps getting longer. Sorry if it takes me a while to get to yours.


	40. United Nations

_Amy is italics  
**11th Doctor is bold italics**_

* * *

_ Doctor? You know how there's the United Nations? Well, when humans start settling on other planets, does it still exist? Is there, like, the planet of the United States? There was the Starship UK. Are they united?  
**Yes, actually. They're called the Great and Bountiful Human Empire and emissaries work together to maintain peace.**  
Does that mean that when they find out about the Star Whale someone's going to go and charge the UK with breaking Star Whale rights or something?  
**I shouldn't think so.**  
Well, then, what does this Great and Bountiful Human Empire actually do?  
**They hold meetings to decide on big issues like wars. **  
And a tortured Star Whale doesn't count?  
**If the Starship UK did actually reveal the truth about the whale, then I doubt very much would be done for it. Politicians never like rushing decisions. **  
So it's all political. They might not even tell the truth. Do they ever manage to do anything?  
**Other than being a figurehead? They actually do help keep the Great and Bountiful Human Empire from plunging into chaos. It needs all the help it can get.**  
So are we going there?  
**Actually, I was thinking that it would be fun to land on a pirate ship.**  
Hmm. Politics or pirates.  
Let's go. Pirates are cool.  
**Yes, they most certainly are. They have cool hats.**  
Not cool hats. But let's just go because if we don't you'll never stop trying to prove that they are cool._

* * *

**AN: **Hello! Okay, that was way to energetic. If you go to my school (Lost in a Daze is the only one I'm certain is reading these yet, but hey) then you'll know why the UN seemed to appear in my head as I was writing. It's school holidays now so I'll try and get through the list of ideas you've sent in. R&R!


	41. I dig archaeology

_**River Song is bold italics  
**_**Bernice Summerfield is bold  
**_10th Doctor is italics_

* * *

_Is River Song here? I want to know why I would even bother talking to her in the future. I'm a time traveller. I point and laugh at archaeologists.  
_**Doctor? Is that you? I'm a time traveller too, and I'm an archaeologist.  
**_Oh...Hello Benny. I just met an archaeologist who knows about my future.  
_**So she's an archaeologist from the future researching your future.  
**_Actually, I think she's from the past, researching my future. Any clarifications?  
__**Spoilers.  
**_**Well, that was helpful.  
**_Why would I put up with someone like that anyway? She's far too mysterious for her own good.  
__**Maybe that's why you bother talking to me. Because I'm mysterious and you want to work out who I am.  
**__...  
__**You're welcome.  
**_**Wow. You've got talent.  
**_**I know. Isn't he hilarious when he's annoyed?  
**_**Can you imagine him with kids?  
**_**That one, not really. But the version I know best is basically a child himself. He seems to get on quite well with them.  
**__Is this your way of talking about me behind my back? Because it's really not working.  
_**Yes, that one would really be very bad with kids.  
**_Can you two stop talking about kids? It's quite disconserting. _

_**This is fun.  
**_**Yes, it is. But I think I'd better go, it looks like the planet is about to implode.  
**_**Ah. Have fun. Talk to you later.  
**_**Bye.**

**Oh bugger. The planet did just implode. And I left my access pass to Braxiatel's collection outside. Oh well. I'm always losing it anyway. Maybe Brax can just give me another one.**

* * *

**AN:** Benny was a companion of the 7th Doctor who was created after Doctor Who went off air. An archaeologist, if you didn't guess. Sorry if I wrote her wrong, I'm only just getting into the audios. I will start on the ideas people have sent in tomorrow, I promise. R&R!


	42. You're my what?

_River Song is italics_  
9 is normal text

* * *

_Hello sweetie._  
Well that's just fantastic. Who's trying to flirt with me in my TARDIS?  
_Oh, I do like that. All sort of… Dark._  
Who are you?  
_Your wife._  
Don't be ridiculous. Me? A wife?  
_A future you. I'm guessing that you're the sassy ninth one._  
I don't know who you are. Get out of my TARDIS. Now.  
_Remember, I'm the one who wrote the 'one psychopath per TARDIS' rule. Oh, that's right. That hasn't happened yet._  
What hasn't happened yet?  
_Spoilers._  
Who says 'Spoilers'? What's 'Spoilers'? Who are you anyway?  
_I'm River Song. And Spoilers._  
Well, nice to meet you, 'River Song'. What kind of name is that anyway?  
Now GET OUT!  
_Well, if you're so insistent, I'll go back to my nice warm cell now._  
Cell? You're in prison? For what?  
_Murder. Of a man who never actually existed._  
Even if I somehow believed that, I don't see why I would ever be willing to talk to you. Leave. NOW.  
_Oh, all right. I'm going. I'd forgotten how much fun it was to annoy that version of you._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to GingerTyPerior who suggested this one and another one quite a while ago. I'm working on the other, it's a great idea but I really want to get it right so it might be a while before I publish it. Thanks to everyone who sent in ideas. R&R!


	43. Clara and River

Clara is normal text  
_River is italics_

* * *

Why doesn't the TARDIS like me? It's like, it decided that it was going to like Doctor Song so it couldn't like me! This all seems so unfair! Why do I have to be the one caught walking in circles?  
_The reason the TARDIS likes me is because I am a 'child of the TARDIS'-I was conceived aboard it. You aren't the first to find that she can be quite temperamental. Even the Doctor has his troubles. He can hardly fly her where he wants to go.  
_Wait, you were conceived aboard the TARDIS? She actually let that happen? He actually let that happen?  
_I don't think he knew about it.  
_But the TARDIS allowed it…  
_I'm reasonably certain that the main reason there were bunk beds in the room was due to a combination of the Doctor acting like a five-year-old and the TARDIS' idea of a practical joke.  
_Okay! Too Much Information!  
_You did ask.  
_Still, I didn't need to know that.  
_How long do you think the TARDIS is going to display this message for? I think she'll keep it front and centre first time anyone ever finds this door.  
_I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing.  
_Well, it would be entertaining.  
_Of that, I have no doubt. I seem to recall seeing a room full of security cameras mentioned on here. I might just have to watch people's reactions.  
_Me too! If you can ever find it.  
_Oh yeah. Like the TARDIS would actually ever let me do something like that.  
_Don't patronise her. She does have a rather cruel sense of humour.  
_Yes. One involving hologram leopards and cooling systems.  
_Ah. That was how she made you find this place, was it?  
_What do you think?  
_Hologram leopards. I must remember to try that on him someday.  
_Now this, I have to see.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to AnnaTwoFourSix for recommending this one. R&R!


	44. Are you flirting with me?

Donna is normal text  
_**Jack is bold italics**_

* * *

Oi! Jack! Are you there?  
_**Yes, I'm here. Of course I'm here. Everyone's here.  
**_Don't be sarcastic with me, Captain. I am the queen of sarcasm.  
_**Was that supposed to be sarcastic?  
**_You really don't understand a joke, do you?  
_**What do you want to say?  
**_You don't actually want to strike up a conversation? Now that is a first.  
_**Donna, are you trying to flirt with me?  
**_Yes.  
_**Right.  
**_Jack, you flirt with anything that moves and you're not flirting back.  
_**Not quite anything that moves.  
**_As I can see. Why won't you flirt with me?  
_********__Something about short-tempered redheads always seems to put me on edge _ _**your mother would kill me  
**_Doesn't seem to be that big an issue for you.  
_**Yes, but she'd do it painfully.  
**_Fair enough. But she won't ever find this. You could flirt back.  
_**I'd rather not.  
**_I'm feeling really let down now. Captain Jack Harkness will not flirt with me.  
_**I bet you are.  
**_YES! I made you say that!  
_**The whole point of this was to make me say 'I bet you are'?  
**_Maybe.  
_****** you, *****.  
**_Thanks. I love you too.  
_**Okay.…I'm leaving now. That doesn't happen very often. You've actually managed to make me feel embarrassed.  
**_And ultimate victory is mine!

* * *

**AN: **Okay, my brain scares me sometimes. Thanks to MysteryGal5 who suggested something that was probably meant to be completely different to this... I'm going to stop writing now and try and find some shred of sanity in my head. Bye.  
(Please review anyway)


	45. And who, exactly, are you?

The Rani is normal text  
_Romana I is italics, even though the timelines don't match up  
__**6th Doctor is bold italics**_

* * *

This whole setup is illogical. What, exactly, is the point of writing messages to someone if you could just talk to them?  
_And who, exactly, are you?  
_That would depend on who you are.  
_I am Romanadvoratrelundar, president of the Time Lords.  
_Ah. Another one. They really do get around to assassinating you lot, don't they? And I wonder why the Doctor would put up with you. Such an incompetent species. Geniuses, but completely incapable of understanding their full potential.  
_I take it you are acquainted with our kind?  
_Acquainted? I am one. I am the Rani. Your predecessor exiled me when a genetically modified rat ate his cat, bit him and forced him to regenerate. They exiled me! Me! Just because of a side effect of one of my experiments.  
_**Romana? You should stop communicating now, you're in great danger! Oh, and may I add that as president of the time lords, you are now officially a pompous, power-hungry idiot that I am going to have to stop someday, so you might as well step down now.  
**_I underestimated your hate of the High Council, Doctor. But your friend is in no danger.  
_Yes, as the timelines don't match up, it's not possible for us to do anything other than write messages.  
_So, at least she has some idea of trans-temporal relationships. Even though I have a feeling even one of your precious humans could understand that.  
_**Rani, just two questions. How did you get in here, and what do you want?  
**_The answer to both questions: You. And if you will excuse me, I have an experiment to plan.  
_That was… Rather uninformative.  
__**Yes, I wonder what she was after.  
**__Or rather, what she wanted you for. Do be careful, she could prove dangerous.  
__**Don't you have some time lords to govern or something?  
**__Well, if you're going to be rude, then I'm going to leave also._

* * *

**AN:** Ok, I know that it was Romana II and III that were president, but I find that her first incarnation seems to do the very haughty, powerful lady mannerisms very well, so I decided to use her instead. It's entirely plausible that her first incarnation was made president at one stage, I'm struggling to keep up with things in the _Gallifrey_ audio series (It's really good) but it would probably be easier if I started at the beginning...

Anyway. If you can just accept that there's timey wimey stuff going on here, I was watching Time and the Rani and couldn't resist adding the Rani into this story. I think she's my favourite villain, now.  
R&R!


	46. Doctor James McCrimmon

_2nd Doctor is italics  
_Jamie McCrimmon is normal text  
_**Rose Tyler is bold italics**_

* * *

_**Can anyone explain why, when we met Queen Victoria in Scotland, the Doctor pretended to be a Doctor James McCrimmon? Usually he uses Doctor John Smith.  
**__Yes? I travel with a Jamie McCrimmon. He's the most reliable companion I've had. What version of me used that name?  
__**I think he's ten.  
**_The Doctor pretended to be me? What beasties was he fighting, then?  
_It was when we first met Queen Victoria. We met a werewolf afterwards.  
__**A werewolf? There is actually such a thing as a werewolf?  
**_A man that's actually a wolf? Aye, I dinnae if that beastie would be easy to kill.  
_Jamie, you shouldn't just kill anything that seems strange. I'm sure I didn't kill it.  
__**Actually, you did.  
**_See, Doctor, even you kill sometimes.  
_I'm sure there was a good reason for it. And wasn't the whole point of this about me calling myself Jamie?  
__**Yes, but now that you've explained about Jamie I'm more interested in the current conversation.  
**_The Doctor got angry that I was shooting big animals that had taken Victoria and he made me write lines.  
_And his spelling was creative, to say the least.  
__**Oh. All of those 'I must not kill big animals just because I don't like the look of them' were you?  
**_Aye.  
_**Right. If it's any consolation, The Doctor made Jack throw his gun into the acid seas of Marinus.  
**_At least he's let me keep my dirk.  
_Only on the condition that you don't use it.  
__**As entertaining as this is, I think I'm going to leave now.**_

* * *

**AN:** GirlOfScotland requested more 2/Jamie and loststorieshogwartz asked for more Rose. And then I rewatched Tooth and Claw, which made this quite obvious. Sorry if I wrote 2/Jamie wrong, I need to see more of the 1st and 2nd Doctor episodes. R&R!


	47. A year late

_Rose is italics_  
9th Doctor is normal text

* * *

_ You brought me home a year late! My mum's never going to forgive you!_  
Oh, that's fantastic. I upset her mother. And I suppose you're going to complain about me upsetting Mickey the idiot as well.  
_You mean you don't actually care what people think of you?_  
Rose, I don't do domestics. You already know that.  
_You could at least try not to make people angry!_  
Why would I do that? Stupid apes. Does it really matter what people think?  
_I don't think you understand the concept of tact._  
I'm very tactful.  
When I want to be.  
_Yeah right._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Artsoccer for suggesting this one. R&R!


	48. Redheads

Amy is italics  
Donna is normal text

* * *

Why would River Song react like that to seeing me? It's like she knew something that was going to happen…  
_She might have. River's a clever girl, and she's a time traveller._  
So something is going to happen to me.  
_You don't know that for certain. She likes to play jokes on people too, she's probably just trying to freak you out._  
I think she was serious. But she's from a long time in the future, right? Nothing's going to happen for a long time.  
_Good luck convincing yourself of that. What's your name? I'll see if I can find any information on you._  
I'm Donna Noble, the red-haired one.  
_Red-haired? Me too. You don't happen to be Scottish?_  
No. A red-haired Scottish girl? How does the Doctor cope?  
_Surprisingly well. I don't think we could be the only ones who argue a lot._  
Here, I found security cameras. Wow.  
_Who?_  
It seems that he travelled with a red-haired schoolboy named Turlough who tried to kill him and an Australian air hostess who's a self-proclaimed mouth on legs. At the same time.  
_Yeah, it's not that surprising that he can deal with us._

Doesn't mean I'm going to make it easy for him.  
_No, where's the fun in that?_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Blueflame27 for suggesting this one. R&R!

**Update:** there are italics in here now. Thanks to MysteryGal5 and Lost in a Daze for alerting me to the fact that I'd forgotten to put them in.


	49. Clara, Clara and Clara

_Clara Oswin Oswald (Victorian Clara) is italics  
_Clara Oswald (present day) is normal text  
**Oswin (dalek) is bold**

* * *

_This place is impossible. It's smaller on the outside! How does that work?  
_The Doctor said that it's dimensionally transcendental. But if you look up 'transcendental' in the dictionary it's from the worn 'transcend' meaning to go beyond something or surpass. I think it's just fancy wording for it crosses dimensions.  
**That would imply that it's Time Lord science. I don't think this is Dalek, and I haven't heard of any other races that either developed or stole this kind of technology.  
**_Who are you? And what's a Dalek? It sounds familiar, but I don't know where I've heard it from. It's like I recognised this place even though I've never seen it before._

Clara froze. The Doctor didn't have any trouble talking to other versions of himself, but at least they had different faces and personalities. It seemed like she was having a conversation with herself. Two other versions of herself.

**I'm Oswin, Junior Entertainment Manager on the Starship Alaska. Daleks are evil.  
**_Starship? What?  
I'm Clara Oswin Oswald. I'm a governess for the Latimer family. I'm also a barmaid at the Rose & Crown. It's weird- we have the same name and I can't help but feel that I should know you.  
_**There was someone else here, talking about Dimensionally Transcendental stuff. Who are you?  
**

Clara hesitated before writing again. This was weird.

I'm Clara Oswald. I'm a nanny for the Maitland kids. And I do know why we all have the same name and seem to be the same person, but I don't think I should say?  
_Why not?  
_It's not like you'd believe me anyway. But I think we might all be the same person.  
**That's impossible.  
**I think it's best if we stop communicating, it might not be good for the timelines if you/we know too much.  
_I don't understand! How could we all be the same person?  
_**I don't know, but if it's true this could seriously damage the timelines if we are communicating with our past and future selves.  
**_It seems Clara- the one with information-has gone.  
_**Yes, and I think it's best if we go too.**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to MysteryGal5 for suggesting this one. R&R!

**Update:** Thanks Lost in a Daze- it is starship, not starliner. You are now my official continuity editor.


	50. Leaving

_Rose Tyler is italics  
_Tegan Jovanka is normal text  
**Donna Noble is bold  
**_**Ace is bold italics**_

* * *

_I thought I was going to stay with the Doctor forever, but I just met Sarah Jane and if you look at everyone on here, it doesn't look like I'll be able to. Why not? Why has everyone left?  
_Adric died. I left soon after, but I couldn't settle back into normal life so I came back.  
**Me too. I met the Doctor on my wedding day, and then when I tried to go home nothing seemed the same so I went and found him again. It was way too easy. Anything weird, and he'll be there.  
**_**Mel went to travel home with Sabalom Glitz just before I joined. I don't know why anyone would want to travel with him, he's very shady and somewhat sociopathic.  
**__Well, Adam was a bit of an idiot and the Doctor kicked him out. And then Jack died just before the Doctor regenerated.  
_**The Doctor mentioned Martha Jones. Apparently bad stuff happened and she returned to help her family.  
**Bad stuff happened? Doesn't it always?  
_**Hex entered the Time Vortex to stop Fenric from gaining total power. Even though he escaped, he lost his memories. Why did Sarah Jane leave?  
**__She said that the Doctor just left her behind and returned to Gallifrey to answer a summons from the Time Lords. Apparently he didn't even leave her in the right place.  
So, of all the people we know of, two died, one lost their memories, two chose to leave, and two were left behind. What do you think's going to happen to me?  
__**If you're so certain you'll never leave him, then you'll probably either die or lose your memories. Or maybe you'll be left behind.  
**__The Doctor would never leave me behind.  
__**Really? He's quite manipulative. Don't be so certain.  
If you really think that's the case, then you might be left behind because there's no other choice.**_

**That was Rose Tyler, right?  
**I think so.  
**Well, I just found records stating that she was pulled into a parallel universe stopping the Cybermen and Daleks from taking over London. Can you see the future, or something?  
**_**No. I hoped I was wrong. But, knowing the Doctor, he wouldn't let someone die so soon after 'Jack' and not many seemed to lose their memories. Maybe that's coming up again. But it seemed most likely that she would be left behind.  
**_It's kind of scary how you worked that out.  
I'm leaving now. I don't really want to be told how I'm going to leave.  
_**Me neither.  
**_**Or me.**

* * *

**AN: **50 chapters! YAY! If you've sent in an idea, I'm working on it, but there are a lot to get through.  
Still... 50 chapters! I never thought I'd actually manage to get this far. R&R!


	51. Donna and Nine

_Donna is italics_

9th Doctor is normal text

* * *

_Oi! Martian._

Do I really look like I'm from Mars Animal?

_Animal? I'm not an animal time boy!_

I never said you were an animal. I said you were Animal. THE Animal, are you stupid or something?

_And what's that supposed to mean?! And I'm obviously not the stupid one here, and really, what kind of idiot these day's wears a leather jacket?_

How can you not know Animal? He's from the Muppets. Reminds me of you he does. Oh yeah, I'm the idiot here… For your information Leather jackets are all the rage.

_What the hell is a Muppet? And you are Space Man! Leather jackets are all the rage? Ha! In what century? _

Google it! In every century!

_You're in for it now Time Boy… How the hell do you even know what I look like, are you stalking me?!_

I know everything. Unlike you, another stupid ape among the human race.

_What's that supposed to mean?!_

Throw yourself in I said, use the wrong verbs I said. But this is too much. Now I end up doing this, befriending you. What kind of drugs was my tenth regeneration doing?

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to:  
Thejadefwa for writing this chapter  
GingerTyPerior for first suggesting it  
Tardispotato and Allonsytimeandspace for suggesting it also  
R&R!


	52. Monks

_Clara is italics  
_Amy is normal text  
**11th Doctor is bold**

* * *

_Why did the Doctor first arrive dressed like a monk?  
_He dressed up as a Headless Monk to get me and Melody away from Madame Kovarian.  
_Headless Monks?  
_Yes, they're really headless. They think that it's more important to listen to their hearts than their heads, so they behead themselves. Well, really other members behead them and they can't actually think, but…  
_That still doesn't explain why he would turn up on my doorstep in 2013 dressed as a monk.  
And he definitely had a head.  
_Well, you never know. Timey wimey stuff maybe. He might have just popped in to visit you while they were looking for me.  
**No, I only meet Clara later.  
**Okay. Then why were you dressed as a monk?  
_I'd like to know that too.  
_**I'd just come from a monastery in Cumbria in 1207, okay? There wasn't anything important in it.  
**Definitely no Headless Monks, Raggedy Man?  
**No, Pond, no Silence either. Well, none of the living kind.  
**That's good to know.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to GingerTyPerior for suggesting one with Clara and Amy. R&R!


	53. Regeneration, angry mothers and stuff

_Rose Tyler is italics  
_10th Doctor is normal text

* * *

_How are you the Doctor? The Doctor sounds like he's from the North and wears a leather jacket and has big ears. You're not from the North, well, not as far, and you wear a suit and you're ears aren't as big.  
_I regenerated, Rose. I was dying and this was the only way to stay alive.  
_But the Doctor wouldn't die! He wouldn't leave me!  
_I didn't die. I just changed. Ask anyone else here, I've done it before.

_No one's answered.  
_Please? Some help here? Anyone?  
_You aren't the Doctor, are you? You're just some imposter.  
_I am not! I'm me! Remember the Autons? I grabbed your hand and told you to run. And then we went to the end of the world and ate chips. And Adam joined, but he was an idiot so we dropped him home. It's me, Rose. I'm the Doctor.  
_Can't you prove it?  
_I thought I just did! I promise, I'm not some random alien under polyjuice potion or something.  
_The last book was amazing. But why did _**(The following names crossed out, with 'spoilers!' written underneath) **_have to die?  
_I agree. That was evil. Anyway, how are you going to test me?  
_Who slapped you?  
_What! That's an evil question. You have to bring your mother up in this?  
Aren't both people supposed to test each other? Um, who hid in the cupboard in Downing Street with you?  
_Harriet Jones, Prime Minister. But that's beside the point. How do you know all of this?  
_You really think I would tell someone this much? Even the fact that your mother slapped me?  
_No, I suppose being slapped by my mother must have been quite embarrassing.  
_Yes! Don't you see? I'm the Doctor, Rose. Can we go to Barcelona now? They have dogs with no noses!  
_How do they smell?  
_Terrible.  
Allons-y! Oh, I like that word.  
_The Doctor would have said 'fantastic.'  
_I know I would have. Come on.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to 'Thereadingturtle' and 'Hai' for suggesting this one. R&R!


	54. Who is this Jack fellow?

_1st Doctor is italics  
_2nd Doctor is normal text  
_**3rd Doctor is bold italics  
**_**4th Doctor is bold  
**Captain Jack Harkness is underlined

* * *

Who is this Jack fellow? Why is everyone so worried about him writing anything?  
_My dear boy, isn't it obvious? He's quite clearly insufferably rude.  
__**Why would I choose to travel with someone if they were so rude I didn't want them to write here?  
**_**My thoughts exactly. I believe he needs a jelly baby or two to calm down.  
**_Oh, do stop going on about Jelly Babies! All that's needed is a little persuasion. I wonder why I haven't already__made him more civilised.  
_**Well, I'm having quite a bit of trouble with Leela, she insists on carrying her knife around and waves it at all sorts of things. She tried to stab a robot, the other day.  
**I must be getting very lax, if I can't tame a warrior!  
_**Yes, well I don't exactly remember you 'taming' Jamie.  
**__Could I all just stop arguing for a moment? I think what is most important is that this 'Jack' is sufficiently quietened.  
_Good luck with that.  
**What do you mean, 'good luck with that'? I am the President of Gallifrey! Admittedly, I'm trying to open it up so that the Vardans can invade. Or something.  
But still, I am President of the Time Lords! I am sure I can manage you.  
**I thought there was something on here where you were complaining that all Time Lord Presidents were corrupt.  
_**I become President? How can I become president if I've been exiled?  
**__Quite right, my boy. What am I doing as president?  
_**Letting the Vardans invade. But it backfired, I'm now being chased by Sontarans.  
**I thought this discussion was about me, not about sontarans invading Gallifrey.  
_You really are an egotistical young man, you know that?  
_And proud of it.  
**Ah. I think I understand why I've let him continue this, now.  
**Do you really?  
_**Yes, I think we should leave our future self to it and deal with this when the problem arises.  
**_Agreed.  
_I suppose that would be for the best.  
_**Yes, it would.  
**Yes! I beat four of you!

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Hai for asking for more with Jack, and oochya for suggesting this idea. R&R!


	55. The Death of Adric

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE AUDIO STORY 'THE BOY THAT TIME FORGOT'. READ ON AT YOUR OWN RISK.**

_5th Doctor is italics  
_Tegan is normal text

* * *

I can't believe that Adric had to die. Surely you could have saved him!  
_The TARDIS console was too badly damaged. I tried, I really did, but there wasn't anything I could do.  
_But this is a time machine! Can't we go back to the same time and place now and get him out?  
_I'm sorry, but crossing into established timelines is strictly forbidden. Can you imagine what would happen if you saw yourself?  
_I'd think that the Mara was trying to take over my mind again. But please, we have to try!  
_I'm sorry, Tegan. He's dead. There's nothing we can do.  
_You don't even care, do you?  
_What am I supposed to do? I don't want him to be dead any more than you do. But he is, and it's my fault! Why did he have to stay on the ship? Why couldn't he just leave with the others?  
_  
We argued all the time. I didn't even like him that much. But now he's dead and I never even got to apologise.

_He wasn't dead.  
_What?  
_Nyssa and I just met him. Apparently my subconscious interfered somehow and helped him break the last logic code, and he landed on Earth and ruled over a race of giant scorpions, creating the world through Block Transfer Computations.  
_Isn't that what the Master made him do on Castrovalva?  
_Basically, yes.  
_You said wasn't, not isn't.  
_The TARDIS began to self-destruct and he saved her and a boy called Thomas Brewster. He died again, and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it!  
_If you really cared, you wouldn't have let him die!  
_Tegan, _no. I don't want excuses. I'm leaving.

* * *

**AN:** This was meant to be a 5/Tegan ship for Bloodlily16, but it didn't really work...  
_'The boy that time forgot'_ happened in an alternate universe. I think. I hope, because Adric not being dead kind of detracts from the power of his death scene.  
Anyway, I will probably try another 5/Tegan one soon, because that was more angst than anything else. R&R!


	56. Angry dad

11th Doctor is normal text  
_**River Song is bold italics  
**__Amy Pond is italics  
_**Rory Williams is bold**

* * *

Don't you find it a bit weird that your daughter is older than you?  
_Don't you find it a bit weird, being married to our daughter?  
_Yes, well, the whole family thing is quite new to me.  
_**Well, there's a first time for everything, isn't there?  
**_There's also a last. Telling you how to get here, River, is something that isn't going to happen again.  
_**Well, you've already told me, so…  
**_**River, what do you think you're doing?  
**_**Hello dad.…Not much.  
**__Well, I guess we kind of missed the whole 'sulky teenager' stage and got straight to the flirting bit.  
_You know, Amy, every time I look at your daughter I can only thank Rassilon that she never met an old acquaintance of mine.  
_**Who? Jack Harkness? Oh, he was fun. You let all kinds of naughty things slide past him. In fact, I suppose you still do.  
**_Oh no. No no no no no!  
_**Oh yes. He was a lot of fun.  
**_**River, stop it NOW. I am your dad, as demented as this all seems and I am ordering you to STOP.  
**_**Uh oh. I've upset my dad. What am I going to do?  
**_**River...  
**I'm leaving now.  
_me too.  
__**Aw, this is getting boring.  
**_**Go.  
**_**All right. Can we come back?  
**_**Go.  
**_**All right, I'm going! Seriously. What you have to do for parents in this century.**_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to morganaftw for suggesting this one. R&R!


	57. Jealous ex

_Rose Tyler is italics  
_**11th Doctor is bold  
**_**River Song is bold italics**_

* * *

_So, Doctor, were are we going next?  
_**Rose! Hey! Great to see you! What have you been doing?  
**_Um. You were standing right next to me a couple of seconds ago…  
__**Don't worry. Future version. He gets excited when he meets past companions.  
**__Wait, you can't be a future version of him, we were going to stay together forever! Where am I?  
__**Isn't that sweet... The Doctor and his stupid ape, together forever.  
**__Who are you?  
_**River, be nice. I haven't seen Rose in ages. Do you want a banana?  
**_**NO. You swapped my gun for a banana. I do not need a banana.  
**_**But bananas are good!  
**_You swapped her gun for a banana? Do you remember doing that to Jack?  
_**Where do you think I got the idea from?  
**_**What? Putting the gun in the fruit bowl and spinning it around when I tried to pick it up?  
**_**You were trying to kill me!  
**_You let someone onto the TARDIS who was trying to kill you?  
__**Oh, I'm not the first. That Turlough... Working for the black guardian and all, he seemed to be trying to kill you every other week!  
**_**River, if you don't stop interrupting, we'll find somewhere else to talk.  
**_**Like where?  
**_**Ok, Rose, top right hand corner of the door to continue this conversation.**

A quick glance to the top of the door proved to Clara that they did, indeed, continue the conversation.

**So, where were we?  
**_**Trying to talk without me interrupting.  
**__She sounds like a jealous ex.  
__**Me? You're the jealous ex here!  
**_**Well, nice talking to you Rose. Bye!  
**_**Coward.  
**__I hate you very much.  
__**Love you too, Miss Tyler.**_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to GingerTyPerior for recommending this one. R&R!


	58. Brigadier who?

Clara Oswald is normal text  
_**Sarah Jane Smith is bold italics  
**__Rose Tyler is italics_

* * *

_I don't understand- how could you say no to the Doctor? He offered that you could travel with him again.  
__**Yes, but I've moved on. Everything has its time, and everything ends. I've had my turn travelling with the Doctor, Rose, and now it's yours.  
**_You managed to meet the Doctor again? Out of all of time and space, he found you twice?  
_**Seems unlikely, doesn't it? But, well, if you find where all the strange, strange creatures are then you'll probably find him too. Or you could just join UNIT.  
**_Yes, I think he's met Kate Stewart twice now.  
_**Kate Stewart? You don't mean the Brigadier's daughter?  
**_I think so, yes. She's Head of Scientific Research.  
_Who's the Brigadier?  
__**Sir Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart. Effectively the founder of UNIT. It's been quite a while since I've seen him and the Doctor together- The Doctor had regenerated and was all teeth and curls at that point.  
**__Regenerated? What?_

Clara decided not to write anything else- if Rose didn't know about regeneration yet, then it would probably be good not to tell her.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Elionu for suggesting more classic/modern interactions and Haleyrayxx for suggesting a conversation between Rose, Clara and Sarah Jane. R&R!


	59. Bananas and self-fulfilling paradoxes

**11th Doctor is bold  
**_**River Song is bold italics  
**_10th Doctor is normal text  
Donna Noble is underlined  
_9th Doctor is italics  
__Rose Tyler is underlined italics_

* * *

_**What is it about the Doctor and bananas?  
**__Actually, that's quite a good question- why, of all things, did you switch Jack's gun with a banana?  
_Hey! Rose! Bananas are good!  
_Yes, they're a very good source of potassium.  
_You switched someone's gun with a banana? I thought you'd use the water pistol?  
Yes, well, the water pistol might not be a dangerous weapon but I'm sure Jack would have made it seem incredibly inappropriate. It really is a unique skill of his.  
**Not anymore it's not… Have you met my wife yet?  
**What? Whaat? Whaaaaat?  
_**Hello sweetie.  
But, I mean, seriously, a banana! You put the gun in the fruit bowl and spun it so that I picked up the banana!  
**__That sounds quite clever. I really ought to remember that one.  
_**Don't worry. You do.  
**Hang on.…If you only get the idea of putting the gun in the fruit bowl because you read it here, and it's only here because you did it… That's a paradox!  
Yes, Donna. I'll set out intending to create a self-fulfilling paradox. If it doesn't succeed, and I die, then the above sentence never gets written, and I never try that idea in the first place. This way, I cannot fail. I cannot die in that particular circumstance.  
**Actually.…Whether I die or not is currently an issue up for debate… The gun bit works, but River's a sneaky girl… I really should have seen that coming…  
**What?

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to GingerTyPerior for suggesting this one. R&R!


End file.
